The New Day by Robyn King

I woke suddenly this morning to brilliant light and the sound of the shade being opened upon the new day. Relieved was my first emotion that flooded my mind to greet the new day. Followed immediately by that same crushingly sharp pain that has been tearing my chest apart for close to a week now. It is so hard to move, to breath to focus to sleep anything, everything is hard won each day. The treatment has worn off now for at least two weeks. I had one misstep on the stairs and that was it. My body degraded right away. Things were winding down since it has been three months since my last treatment. The doctor has to be real careful to space the treatments out so my liver will stay healthy. Each treatment is a patch in a sense that calms my messed up nervous system and buys us time. I wonder though at times like these when will my time run out. I know you aren’t supposed to think about it but how can you not. It has almost happened twice in the past few years it is impossible not to wonder. It is something that I don’t want, am not ready for, did not ask for, and have realized the only thing I fear about it is who I will leave behind and what it will do to them. I seriously, feel the clock ticking and wonder if other people feel this way. I’m afraid to waste time foolishly because what if tomorrow doesn’t happen for me. I feel this illness stole eleven years from my life that me and my family will never get back and still it takes every last breath we have and every dime in our pockets. Being incurably ill means you struggle for everything to move, to breathe, to eat, to pay for the medicine and food you need everything. Even with all of that we stick together. We support each other we love each other, we laugh and we cry together and that is what makes life worth living each and every day. This is why I wake up each day relieved for yet another day. Another day to be with my family I love, do my art and just breathe in and out for awhile…